Thanks for creating me an atheist with evidential standards for belief, not complying to them and then expecting me not to be one. My existence has revolted your followers for thousands of years and they have of course acted in accordance with this divinely endorsed revulsion. It sure hurt a lot, but thanks for the recognition!
Thanks for all the stories of death and torture and bigotry as supplied by your lovely book. All of those threats of a fiery Hell, genocidal purges, misogyny and homophobia provided me with some excellent light reading. Pity you didn't know that your followers would take your divine words to heart. Or did you, with all that omniscience and stuffs? Oh well, thanks anyway!
Thanks for all those misogynistic laws, too, like ordering women to keep silent, understand our unworthiness and to just be generally submissive so that we can be abused without kicking up a fuss. Without all that heavenly designated sexism, us women might have actually thought that we were equal to our male superiors. What a horrifying thought.
I heard that over 99.8% of all species that have ever existed have gone extinct. I get bored easily, so thanks for maintaining such a nice variety, even if it is through ruthless and entirely unnecessary destruction and death. I never liked those dinosaurs, anyway. We're way prettier!Regarding all those terrible tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis and volcanoes and asteroids and blizzards and avalanches and famines and droughts and landslides and all those other terrifying natural disasters, well... by your standards, they all seem pretty preventable to me... seems like an awful waste of life... but what do I know? My distaste for human suffering is obviously just ignorant. And I do admire how you express your love so mysteriously and with such a relentless creativity! I am humbled - thanks!
Thanks for encouraging blind and unquestioned faith in replace of human reason. It's so much easier just to let you do the thinking for us. We don't need silly things like space ships or human rights or cancer cures, anyway! We have you and your commandments!
Sometimes I don't always understand why you permit, much less create, diseases and the like, mainly due to all the unnecessary misery and despair. But then I remember, you're just testing us all! Thanks for the thought!Sometimes, I also don't understand why you neglect 3/4 of the population. But then I realise that I couldn't fully appreciate my own situation without a suitable contrast. Seeing all the needless death and destruction happening elsewhere is obviously your plan to make me realise how lucky I am. I feel kind of bad for the others, but thanks for keeping me safe... instead of millions of others... I guess?
And lastly, before I go, thanks for putting such nice little stories about creation in your book, by the way. Genesis is just so much easier to grasp than stupid things like evolution. Those dumb scientists need to realise that there's more to life than "evidence", jeez. We have your book, after all!
Thanks!
For all the crazies out there, this is a satire. And no, I'm not trying to be rude. Next time you thank your God, think of all the people that aren't thanking him and their reasons as to why they are not. Selective intervention does NOT equate to omni benevolence. Thanking God for the success of your trivial pursuits whilst ignoring all of the horrors others are forced to endure, is just insulting. If you're going to "thank him", don't forget those that can't.
